This is a first draft of a short story I’ve written for the FO2 website. We were sat around wondering how to make the site more ‘user friendly’ and, amongst other ideas, mine was to have a little humorous story every so often, that related an event or discussion during our time together.
From somewhere came the thought to have the band in a ‘Star Trek’ type scenario. The basic plot came from the fact that a couple of weeks ago we discussed and then implemented cutting a couple of verses from the song ‘Leaving It All Behind.’
I shall leave it to you to see if you can identify the members of the band! (A trip to http://new.fusionorchestra2.com
The rest, as they say, is history….or at least rather silly…
Brought to you by the Gemini corporation and Seex Dyer
The Adventures of the Starship FO2
Stardate 2212 (and a bit.)
The Starship FusionOrchestra2 has been refuelling in the peaceful Bramley Star system. Gliding through the areas’ calm gravity wells, the ships’ fuel cells are being replenished by drawing in the complex matrices of pure sound produced by the famous Bramley spheres of joy.
Stepping onto the bridge Captain Doom quickly checks that all his crew are present before settling into his command chair. “Anything to report?” He asks.
“Everything running smoothly Captain.” Replies Lieutenant Botoxski.
“Good. Right, crewman Chekbox, let’s ‘Leave all this Behind!’” The use of the Captain’s customary departing phrase brings a smile to the crew. FO2 is off into the unknown again!
“Aye sir. Leaving in 1..2..3..4..” Begins Chekbox, manipulating the control sticks. A long moment passes.
“In your own time, Mr. Chekbox.”
“Er… the controls aren’t responding properly Captain…”
“Not responding?” Doom turns to Botoxski. “What does this mean Lieutenant?”
“Um, he means the controls don’t work Captain.” Although the eyes of the Captain are hidden, as ever, behind his sonic-charged dark glasses, Lieutenant Chekbox and Botoxski can feel Captain Doom’s eyes glaring at them. Doom opens his mouth to speak but at that moment the transport door opens and the low form of an eight-legged creature bounds across to his chair. The red scaled dog-like creature begins to bark harshly. It’s arrival heralds the entrance of Nurse Emily, the owner of the Trans-Petruvian rock-dog ‘Pippa’. The creatures gravelly voice fills the silence until Captain Doom silences her with a stare.
“I think we have a serious problem here, Captain.” Botoxski admits.
“Frick! Don’t tell me the coffee machine’s broken again!” Doom turns to Nurse Emily.
“The coffee infuser is working perfectly Captain – in fact I’ve just come up to administer the infusions.”
“I’m afraid that will have to wait, Nurse.” Replies Captain Doom, grimly. There is a stifled gasp from somewhere on the bridge and Pippa emits a high-pitched whine. “I know it’s hard folks but until we find out what the problem is the coffee infusions will have to wait.” Doom stabs at his chair’s intercom button. “Engineering? What’s going on down there?”
“Ah, Captain! I wondered when you’d call!” The voice of Chief Engineer BJ replies brightly. On the bridge the sound of his voice evokes a fresh set of barks from Pippa. “It seems Captain, that there’s a matrix-misconfibulation taking place somewhere in the sub-light particles of the tri-dimensional drive.”
Captain Doom mouths the words ‘What does that mean?’ to Botoxski.
“I think he means the engines buggered.” Whispers the Lieutenant.
“So, you’re telling me the engines are not working?” Doom speaks into the intercom.
“Well,” replies the engineer, “It’s complicated…”
“He always says that.” Whispers Doom, to no-one in particular.
“…it’s not that the engines aren’t working, more that the sound matrices currently flowing through the system are incorrectly…what is that noise Captain?”
“Oh it’s just Pippa. I don’t know what’s got into her today. Someone give that beast a rock and keep her quiet would you?”
“Anyway, as I was saying Captain, I’ll have it fixed in no time and we’ll be on our way.”
“You have 1 solar hour Mr. BJ. Doom out.”
The transport door opens again and the dark-haired figure of Doc Lovesick strides purposefully across to stand before Doom’s command chair. “Doc? What can I do for you?” Doom asks.
“Captain, I’ve been monitoring the crews’ concentration levels and it seems they haven’t had their java infusion! I demand to know why!”
“Well, we’ve had a bit of a problem…”
“I don’t want excuses Doom. You may be in charge of this ship but I’m responsible for the health of the crew, dammit!”
“Yes but you see…”
“No ‘Buts’ Captain. Either you give the order or I contact Star Command!”
“O.k! O.k! Nurse Emily, kindly conduct the infusions would you? Jeez…” As she begins to unravel the tubes Emily shares a smile with Botoxski and the others. There are few creatures able to withstand the sonic glare of Captain Doom: a curious race of half-blind subterranean mice on Delta 5, the Misopic Quill Despot of Milanky-Don Such and…Doc Lovesick.
Five solar hours later and the crew are gathered in the engineering room. Nurse Emily is attending the slumped form of Chief Engineer BJ who is lain, semi-conscious, across one of the hundreds of control consoles. He is entangled in a network of red, yellow and green cables that arch and twist between the consoles and over the deck. “I just don’t understand it Captain. I’ve tried every configuration I can think of and still the disconfibulation remains!”
Doom is stunned. No wonder they have waited five solar hours if the learned engineer has tried all he knew! In frustration Doom punches at the intercom.
“Doom to bridge. Are you there Chekbox? Chekbox?”
“I’m here Captain.” Comes the pilot’s faint voice.
“Anything happening up there?”
“I’m still trying the control sticks…I’m sorry Captain…I don’t know how much longer I can…keep …going…”
“Frick!” Exclaims Captain Doom. “Alright Chekbox, stand down for now.”
Doom turns to Nurse Emily. “I think that man needs an infusion of hyper-milk right away.” As Nurse Emily sets off to the transport, Pippa remains by the Chief Engineer and begins barking again.
“Will someone give that mutt a pebble or something? I’m trying to think.” Doom says impatiently.
“Maybe it’s the lubrication system Captain?” Suggests Botoxski.
“Well, do you remember the Borderline mission? I had to use some of my homeland elixir to re-start the engines. It might work again.”
Doom smiles grimly in reply. “Yes Botoxski, I do remember it all too well. I had to explain to Star Command why our ship left a trail of Polaxian folk songs upsetting the shipping lanes for twenty galactic miles in every direction! No, I think we need to … Oh please, will someone stop that frikin’ rock-hound from barking!”
“Just hang on a minute there Captain.” Interrupted Doc Lovesick. “I think that animals trying to tell us something.” Captain Doom let out a sceptical guffaw.
“Oh don’t be so ridic…” At that moment he caught the unflinching glare of the Doc. “Ah, yes…good idea Doc, great. Hmmm what could it be I wonder? Very interesting, yes!”
Untangling himself from the last of the curled wires BJ spoke.
“I could patch her up to the FO2 trans-modification-universal-serialbus-Facebook-interface and see if we get anything that way?”
The Captain sighs and turns to Botoxski who interprets his expression precisely.
“He’ll hook the dog up to a machine so she can talk.”
“Oh, o.k, that sounds great Mr.BJ. It’s a long shot, but at least it’ll stop her barking.”
Half a star hour later, Captain Doom and the crew are awaiting Engineer B.J’s report on the bridge. All eyes turn to the transport door as Pippa’s red-scaled form rushes in ahead of the Chief Engineer, who is smiling broadly. Pippa runs past Captain Doom and sits at the feet of Doc Lovesick; something akin to a smile appearing on the rock-dog’s fanged features.
“Well Mr. BJ, what did you find out?” Asks Doom, darkly.
“Oh yes, lots Captain! Smiles the engineer brightly. “ Connecting Pippa to the FO2 trans-modification-universal-serialbus-Facebook-interface has been most enlightening!”
“Well, for starters I discovered that her birthday is next June – she’ll be 345.8 – Pippa is rather keen on an Old Earth band called ‘Deep Purple’; she is campaigning for localised mining rights on the Delphi IV colony and has a best friend called Alan.”
Captain Doom passes his hands over his shaved head and mutters something to himself. “But does she know what is the matter with the engines?”
“Oh, that! Yes, she told me that she thinks there is a temporal duration mismatch in the subsection of the matrices in engine number four. Can’t believe I didn’t think of it before!”
Captain Doom turns to Botoxski. “What does he say?”
“The engine’s still buggered Captain. The Music Matrix is too long.” Turning back to the smiling engineer, Doom glowers.
“So the engines are still not working Mr. BJ?”
“Well, not unless we de-linearise the appropriate roatational and sub-lyrical framework, re-configure the temporal arrangement and fire them up again.”
Doom turns to Lieutenant Botoxski with a raised eyebrow.
“He say we need to make the song shorter.”
“Oh. Really? Right well, Mr. BJ, um I suggest you go and de-linearise the …configure the…temporary…go make the song shorter please.”
“Aye Captain! Come on Pippa, you can tell me all about Alan while we work, he sounds very interesting…for a rock-dog.”
There is a content silence on the bridge as the two depart. It is broken by Captain Doom. “Well, I’m glad I managed to sort that one out.”
“You Cap’n? Snakes alive man!” Exclaims Doc Lovesick.
“Ah, yes…with your help, of course Doc. Couldn’t have done it without you…or the rock-dog-type thing.”
A short while later the engines of the mighty FO2 are ready to carry the crew on another adventure in the further reaches of space and time. Gathering the crew to the bridge, Captain Doom has issued to all a very small measure of Lieutenant Botoxski’s Polaxian vodka, in celebration of their escape. Even Pippa has been allowed a taste, although the Trans-Petruvian rock-dog has turned a peculiar shade of blue and has retired to her anti-grav basket.
“Well done gentlemen…and lady! It’s time for us to once again see what is out there. Mr. Checkbox, on your count, let’s Leave it All Behind.”
“Aye Captain. 1…2…3…4…”
As he eases back the sticks, the mighty FO2 ship turns and begins a new journey into the unknown – again.
Brought to you by S.Dyer and the Gemini corporation.
- Star Trek Online – Special Starship – Heavy Escort Carrier – Armitage Class (trekazoid.wordpress.com)
- The Starship Enterprise Was Properly Huge (gizmodo.co.uk)